


Breathe (I'm Crying Underwater So You Don't Hear the Sound)

by actuallyronanlynch



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, Haru is depressed, M/M, Rin tries to be a loving and supportive boyfriend, Self-Harm, this is mostly angst with a side of fluff, those are the only triggers I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actuallyronanlynch/pseuds/actuallyronanlynch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels so hollow and empty, but Rin holds him firmly in his arms and tells him that he needs to breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Baby, Please Come Home

Haru knew that it had to do with chemical imbalances in his brain. It wasn't anything that could be blamed on him, wasn't anything that was his own fault.

That didn't make it any easier to cope with, however.

Sometimes he would try to think of it from a logical perspective. Sometimes he would try to approach it like Rei would. Thousands of others had similar thoughts, felt the same way as he did. It wasn't something that he could  _control_ ; it was something that was wrong with him, and something he could fix.

He didn't seek help, though he knew his friends would encourage it, if they told them how he was feeling. He didn't feel like he could talk to anyone, really. His parents were never around, he didn't want to burden his friends with his problem, and Rin...

Rin was sort of a different story.

Haru was afraid to tell Rin, if he was going to be honest with himself. He didn't know if Rin would be angry or upset, but he didn't want to hurt him. The last thing he wanted was for Rin to feel as torn-up as he did.

 

* * *

 

Haru let out a soft breath, retrieving his bento from his bag and setting it down on the table as Nagisa chatted happily to Rei. It had gotten too cold to sit on the roof at lunch, so the five of them were restricted to eating indoors.

"Haru-chan, do you want to come with us to see a movie on Friday night?"

The sound of Nagisa's voice cut through Haru's thoughts, and his blue eyes flicked up to settle on the small blond.

"Rin's coming over." he replied, his voice carefully monotone.

"You could bring him along," Nagisa chirped, taking a bite of his dessert bread that he ate every day for lunch.

"I think he wanted to stay in." Haru lied, his gaze dropping to his bento. Rin hadn't specified what he wanted to do when he invited himself over to Haru's; the dark-haired boy was barely able to keep him from coming over directly after school.

"Aww, Haru-chan," Nagisa whined, pouting and batting his eyelashes at the older boy. 

"Nagisa-kun, has it ever occurred to you that Haru and Rin might want to spend some alone time together?" Rei interjected, and Nagisa's expression turned into a sly smile.

"It's not like that." Haru muttered quickly, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

It wasn't as if Haru didn't  _want_ to be more than friends with Rin, or hadn't considered it, but the fact was that they were merely friends and friends alone. Haru had been tempted to cancel their plans halfway through the week, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. Rin had looked so happy when he had begrudgingly agreed to let him come over, and he didn't want to disappoint him by trying to reschedule for a different time.

It wasn't as if he had any other plans. 

 

* * *

 

Haru couldn't fall asleep, even with Rin's comforting warmth beside him on the bed. He slid out of bed as quietly as he could, making sure he didn't disturb Rin as he lightly padded down the hall to the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and hastily drew a bath, trying to control the shaking of his hands as he stripped down and sunk into the scalding water.

The tears were streaming down his face before he could stop them, and he wrapped around his arms around his legs, pressing his face to his knees. He was quiet, so it wouldn't matter; he doubted it would wake Rin. He just... Needed a moment to relax, to release the emotions he'd kept pent up inside him the entire time his friend was over. The water would calm him, and he would be able to go back to bed within fifteen minutes at most.

"Haru?"

The dark-haired boy's head snapped up, his eyes locking on Rin standing hesitantly in the doorway. "I thought... I heard you get up and run the bath and... It's two in the morning." he mumbled, tiredly rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "Haru, are you okay?" he asked gently, seeming to notice the tear stains on the other boy's cheeks for the first time. Haru quickly nodded and rubbed at his cheeks with his palms, smearing more water from the bath onto his face.

"Haru, what happened?" he urged softly, kneeling down beside the bathtub. Neither of them seemed to remember that Haru was completely naked.

The blue-eyed boy shook his head, unwilling to answer Rin. He could feel hot tears forming in his eyes again and ducked his head, not wanting the other boy to look at him. He was ashamed, embarrassed for Rin to find out this way.

"Haru," He heard again. Rin's voice was much gentler than usual, and it made Haru feel worse, if he was going to be honest with himself. He hadn't wanted Rin or any of his other friends to worry about him; that was why he hadn't told them. He flinched as Rin reached out to touch his cheek— it was such a tender gesture, meant to try to reassure him, and he felt a small sob rising in his throat. "Hey, it's okay-"

And suddenly, Rin's arms were around him, drawing him close and Haru let the noise escape him, burying his face against Rin's collarbone. Rin didn't seem to care that Haru was soaking his shirt; he just gently ran a hand along the smaller boy's back, telling him it would be all right. He withdrew after a moment, and Haru felt panicked until he realised that Rin was grabbing his towel off of the counter, holding it open for him. 

Haru stood up on trembling legs, noting that Rin was pointedly looking away— he knew the context wasn't sexual at all, and that Rin was just being a good friend, but he appreciated it nevertheless for the time being. Rin carefully wrapped him up in the large towel and helped him out of the tub, scooping up the smaller boy's sleeping clothes and pulling the plug before leading him back to the bedroom.

"Haru, can you please tell me what happened?" Rin asked once they were settled down on the bed again. Haru pulled the towel tighter around himself, shrugging faintly as he looked down into his covered lap.

"I don't  _know_ anymore," he said, voice cracking midway through his sentence. "You weren't supposed to find out."

Rin wasn't typically a good listener, but the way his eyes softened slightly, the way his browns knit together in obvious concern, it was too much for Haru. He looked away, rubbing angrily at his eyes as he felt them filling with tears again. He felt like an emotional dam about to burst, and he didn't want his inevitable meltdown to occur with Rin sitting beside him on his bed in the middle of the night.

"I just feel... So  _sad_  all the time." he croaked, his throat suddenly tight and dangerously dry. "I don't know what to do anymore." he added quietly, his lips barely moving. He dared to glance back up at Rin, unsure what to expect. He felt so vulnerable, raw and exposed in a way he hadn't ever been before. Rin knew something no one else knew about him, the one thing that he  _hated_ about himself, something he wished and prayed every night would go away so he could be normal again.

"Oh, Haru.." Rin breathed, his voice low and slightly tense. The dark-haired boy looked away, getting up and silently changing back into his pyjamas, yearning for a moment that he could disappear at will.

"Have you told anyone else about this?" Rin asked as Haru cautiously sat back down on the bed, and the blue-eyed boy hung his head in shame; it was enough of an answer for the redhead. "I wish you'd told me sooner." he murmured, gently reaching out to touch Haru's face like he had in the bathroom. Haru let him, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks and a small tear escaping the corner of his eye. Rin brushed it away with his thumb, studying the smaller boy's face.

"I couldn't." he muttered miserably, swallowing a thick, hot lump he felt forming in his throat. Rin continued to merely stroke Haru's cheek, across his temple, his touches feather-like and exploratory. Haru froze, however, when the taller boy warily swiped a thumb over the black-haired boy's lips; he could feel Rin's hesitation, his curiosity and nerves evident in the slight tremble of his hand. "Rin.." Haru uttered, the name feeling heavy and foreign rolling off his tongue.

And then Rin's lips were replacing his fingers on Haru's mouth, and Haru was still crying, tears quietly streaming down his cheeks, but he put all of his effort into kissing Rin back, trying to will away the worry he felt rising in his chest. Rin was getting in too deep, and if he stuck around, he would find that he was drowning and unable to save himself.

 

* * *

 

Rin, after he and Haru had established that, yes, they liked each other and would like to try out some form of a relationship, had quickly discovered that an easy way to distract Haru from his bad moods was to take him out places and just do things. Random things, planned things, couple-y things. Haru caught on to Rin's methods equally as fast, but he couldn't deny that he appreciated it more than he could express with words.

By the time they had been dating for a month, it was January, and Iwatobi was covered in a very thin layer of snow. They were both bundled up in warm jackets and thick wool mittens, and Haru had even let Rin loosely wrap a scarf around his neck (even though it covered most of his mouth). The dark-haired boy didn't particularly enjoy the cold weather, and therefore dressed accordingly.

"Where are we going?" Haru huffed, his voice muffled by the thick fabric of the scarf. Rin smirked at him, and he narrowed his eyes.

"It's a surprise. Relax." Rin replied nonchalantly, taking one of Haru's mitten-clad hands in his own. Haru mumbled a quiet protest but followed along after Rin as they headed away from the train station, deeper into the city bustle. There weren't many people out due to the weather, but a few couples or groups of friends wandered the streets and ducked into shops, much like he and Rin were doing.

Haru followed along after Rin, glancing down at their hands clasped together. He didn't think he would ever get used to it; Rin being so openly affectionate towards him, coming to his house on the train in the middle of the night so Haru wouldn't be alone when he was too upset to sleep, taking him out to distract him when he slipped into one of his lower moods.

"This way," Rin said gently, tugging at Haru's hand so they could cross to the other side of the street. The dark-haired boy raised a curious eyebrow at his boyfriend but trailed after him obediently, his interest piqued. He studied the sign above the shop before he was pulled inside by Rin; it was named Hanabira, and it seemed to be some sort of... Café?

The door chimed softly as they entered and he took a seat with Rin near the back of the quaint restaurant, beginning to unravel his scarf and slide off his jacket.

"Let me order for you." Rin suddenly blurted out, tucking his mitts into his coat pockets. Haru merely blinked at him; the waitress hadn't even come over to their table.

"... All right." he said flatly, pushing back from the table. "I'll go use the bathroom." he added hastily, glancing around for the aforementioned bathroom before walking off.

When he returned, Rin was sipping absently from a small teacup, and an identical one was set out for him in turn. "What is it?" he asked as he sat down, giving the drink a cautious look.

"Just kocha tea." Rin told him, setting his own cup down on the table. Haru nodded, taking a sip of his drink. It was warm, and helped rid him of the remaining chill from the cold outdoors.

"Haru," Rin started, drawing the smaller boy's attention. "Have you... Do you think that you should maybe start talking to someone?" It was the first of two times that Rin would suggest therapy, and the first of two times Haru would dismiss it.

"I can handle it myself."

Rin's expression softened, and he knew that if they weren't in a café that he would have reached for his hand. As it was, Haru kept his fingers curled around the warm teacup, staring down at the table unseeingly.

"Hey, Haru," Rin said, his voice nearly cracking in emotion. Haru glanced up, not wanting to make a scene in the restaurant.

"It's fine. Why don't we talk about it later and just enjoy being out?" he suggested, offering the smallest of smiles to try to reassure the taller boy. Rin nodded slowly, taking a thoughtful sip of his tea. He was pacified for the time being, at least.

Rin looked over as the waitress set two plates down on the table, and the redhead quietly thanked her— Haru took the time to quietly study the desserts that Rin had ordered for them. There were four, two of each type. One was definitely a type of mochi, and the other looked like... Manjū?

"What flavour?" Haru asked, setting his tea down as he continued to half-warily eye the little cakes.

"Why don't you guess?" Rin replied, gesturing to the food. Haru assumed he was urging him to take a bite of either. He huffed softly and picked up the mochi, noting its light pink colour. He took a smile bite and wrinkled his nose; it was sweet, and had a fruity filling. He ignored Rin's laughter, swallowing before he replied.

"Peach." he said, stating rather than questioning. Rin nodded, smirking as he picked up the second mochi.

"You don't like it?" he asked before biting into his own, and Haru shrugged.

"It's sweet." he muttered, taking another bite despite his obvious disfavour for the dessert.

"You could try the manjū." the taller boy offered, still nibbling on his mochi.

 _So it is manjū_ , Haru thought to himself, setting down the light pink cake and picking up the golden-coloured one instead. He took a bite and chewed thoughtfully, considering the flavour. "Orange?" he asked, the cream's silky residue coating his tongue. Rin nodded once again.

"Like that one better?" he asked, and Haru hummed confirmation, taking another bite of the rice cake. Rin was still dutifully eating his mochi, but he silently studied Haru as he did so. The dark-haired boy looked him over in turn, memorising the taller boy's sharp features, the curve of his jaw, the shape of his chin and nose. Haru had always thought -known- that Rin was attractive, but now he couldn't help but think that he was just... Plain beautiful. The natural light of the late afternoon sun that spilled into the café softened his features and amplified the gentle smile playing at his lips. His hair hung carelessly into his eyes, but he didn't seem to mind, and neither did Haru.

The blue-eyed boy was silent for a while after that, sipping his tea and occasionally nodding towards Rin as the taller boy endearingly rambled on, unable to see the faint turmoil stirring in Haru's eyes.

 

* * *

 

Haru took a deep, shuddering breath, eyeing the too-bright screen through blurred vision in the darkness of his room. He knew it was unfair and selfish to want to ask Rin to come over— it was one in the morning on a Wednesday, but he just felt so...  _Alone_ , and he didn't want to be by himself. He fired off a quick message to the redhead to see if he was awake, figuring that a phone call would be the next best thing to having Rin curled up in bed with his arms wrapped tightly around him. The sound of Rin's voice always helped to calm him down, anyway.

"Rin?" he said softly as he answered his phone, sniffling and shifting so he was marginally more comfortable on the bed. He had the stuffed shark that Rin had bought him for Valentine's day clutched to his chest, his cheek pressed against the soft plush.

"Haru, are you all right? Do you need me to come over?" The concern in Rin's voice nearly broke his heart, and he held back a quiet sob.

"N-no. Just keep talking."

"Haru, you'll be okay. Breathe deeply for me, hm? In for five seconds, out for five seconds." Rin murmured, and Haru shut his eyes tightly, trying to focus on the sound of the taller boy's voice, and breathing calmly like he was instructed.

"Do you want to go out tomorrow after school, maybe? We could go see a movie, or window shop a little." Rin suggested. He was trying to distract Haru, make him feel better.

The dark-haired boy sniffled loudly, ignoring the sensation of damp stuffed-shark against the side of his face. "You could come over and we could make dinner." he mumbled, aiding in trying to distract himself, as well.

"That sounds like a great idea," Rin agreed, and Haru heard his bedsheets rustling on the other side of the line. Some part of him hoped that they weren't disturbing Rin's roommate with their conversation, but another part of him didn't care at all. "Have you taken a bath? Maybe that'd help you relax, or you could make tea." he added, his voice lowered to a softer tone. Nitori must be waking up.

"I just want to hear your voice," Haru said, inhaling slowly and listening as Rin moved around on the other end of the line.

"Just give me a moment, Haru, I'm going out into the hall."

Haru took deep breaths in and exhaled until his lungs were devoid of air, listening to the movement on Rin's end as he climbed out of bed and sneaked out into the hall. He felt tired but knew he wouldn't be able to sleep properly, even if he had school the next day. He was being selfish, keeping Rin on the phone this late.

"Are you doing all right?" Rin asked, his voice sounding forcefully bright. Haru felt another twinge of guilt, realising how worried he must be making the other boy.

"Mhmm," he hummed slowly, rolling over in bed and taking another calming breath. "R-Rin, don't stay on the phone too long," he added, chewing on his lip. He felt self-centred and unconcerned about Rin's feelings, which was only half true.

"Don't be stupid, I'll stay on the phone as long as you need me," Rin replied, a hint of a smile in his voice. Haru wished absently for a moment that Rin was with him rather than talking to him over the phone, that they could lie in his bed and fall asleep together.

The two continued to softly talk until Haru did fall asleep, mainly consisting of Rin trying to keep him distracted and trying to put happier thoughts in his head before he went to sleep.

 

* * *

 

"Haru-chan, are you excited about practice with Samezuka tomorrow?" Nagisa asked cheerfully from his perch at the edge of the recliner he was occupying; the four friends were in the school library, doing research for projects that they had for varying classes. The blond's tone was innocent enough, but his raised eyebrows and lopsided grin indicated that he was referring mainly to seeing Rin; after dating for a few months, Haru had finally told his friends about his relationship with the redhead, and they all took to it extremely well. Nagisa simply enjoyed teasing him more than the other two.

"I guess." he replied unenthusiastically, brushing his hair out of his eyes before returning his attention to the book he had balanced in his lap.

"Boo, Haru-chan! You should be excited about getting to start the swimming season  _and_ see Rin-chan all at the same time!" the smaller boy insisted loudly, earning him a few unhappy glances from fellow classmates attempting to do their own school work.

"Nagisa-kun, try to keep your voice down," Rei sighed, wearily pushing up his glasses, and Makoto laughed light-heartedly. 

While Haru was glad that as school began again, swimming did as well, but springtime also brought forth worries he hadn't thought about previously. Now that they were in their last year of school, Haru was growing concerned. About the future, about what he would do once he graduated... About what Rin was planning to do. They had talked about it briefly, once or twice, but Rin seemed somewhat dismissive of the topic, and Haru had no idea what he wanted to do himself. All he knew was that when he thought about the upcoming year, about being out of school... It made his stomach twist with anxiety.

"Well, _I'm_ excited to see Rin-chan." Nagisa huffed softly, pushing aside his history textbook to sit up a little straighter. It wasn't even that Haru _wasn't_ eager to see Rin, as well, but merely that he was too worried with other things to be concerning himself with matters like swimming. Swimming came naturally to him, and would be the only thing that would continue to come naturally to him. So he went along with the smaller boy, nodding slowly as he rambled on about the swim practice they would all attend the next day, briefly glancing up when Rei professed his own desire to show off his newly-improved swimming abilities.

He was a little jealous, how easily they could lose themselves in a conversation like that.

 

The next day came quicker than Haru would have preferred, but he held himself together as best as he could, and reminded himself that being in the water would help to relax him somewhat.

Rin smiled brightly in Haru's direction as the swimmer walked into the pool area with the rest of his teammates, waving and nudging the large boy he was standing next to. Haru assumed it was Sousuke -Rin's new roommate, old friend, and fellow team member- by the way that the redhead was pointing at Haru and elbowing the taller boy in the ribs. Haru gave a gentle wave in his boyfriend's direction, following Makoto to where their group had huddled together by the adjacent wall to where Rin was standing.

Rin, as the new captain of the Samezuka team, was directing the members of his team to begin doing warm-up laps across the pool. Haru watched with detached interest, Nagisa and Rei's chatter beside him softening to white noise in the background as his eyes followed the swimmers crossing from one side of the pool to the other.

"I think you can join in, Haru," Makoto said with a faint laugh in his voice, and the blue-eyed boy rushed towards the pool without further instruction, piercing the water with the effortless grace of a blade.

Haru resurfaced after swimming half the length of the pool, taking a breath as he continued to press on with his head above the surface. He had always considered swimming... Therapeutic, in a way. It didn't necessarily make him any less sad than he felt before diving into the water, but it put his problems on hold and gave him an activity to divert misplaced thoughts. He had to work with it and against it, and the rush he got from racing (especially against Rin) was a nice distraction from the emptiness he usually felt.

Haru swam back to the other end of the pool before slowly dragging himself out of the water, taking off his swim cap and pushing up his goggles before wiping his face with the towel Makoto offered to him. "Rin seems to be doing a good job as captain so far," the brunet commented cheerfully, and Haru nodded solemnly in agreement. Rin, when he wanted to, could take charge of a situation quite easily. _It doesn't hurt that he's bossy_ , Haru commented internally, but it was meant with affection.

 

The practice continued uneventfully, though everyone swam well and times were gradually improving on both teams. Nagisa was characteristically expressing how tired he was as they headed into the change room, hanging off Rei's arm, which the taller boy didn't seem to be too bothered about. Most of the Samezuka team had gotten changed and cleared out before Iwatobi entered the locker room; Rin lingered behind, however, and a few members here or there showered in the back or grabbed their clothes to change back into.

Haru dried off absently with the towel he had brought with him, politely listening to his friends speak but not quite asserting himself into the conversation. Rin laughed loudly at something Makoto had said, his eyes half-closing in the endearing way they did whenever he laughed. Haru looked away, wrapping his towel around his waist and reaching across to grab his bag from where it rested beside Nagisa on the bench.

His heart nearly stopped when he heard the small blond gasp, already knowing what he was going to say before the words left his mouth. "Haru-chan, what happened to your wrists?"

It had been stupid to think that they wouldn't notice. They weren't visible from a distance, of course, but up close in the change room...

Haru pulled the bag towards his body, a somewhat defensive gesture, and tried to formulate his thoughts before attempting to address the other boy. Rei, Makoto and Rin were all looking at him, their eyes wide with surprise, and suddenly, Makoto was at his side. Haru jerked back, his swim bag still clutched protectively to his chest, unwilling at look at his friends as he tried to keep himself together. He hadn't wanted this to happen. Not like this.

"Haru, what happened?" Makoto asked, trying to keep his voice gentle, but it wavered with concern and Haru didn't think that he could reply, not with them all looking at him like that, not with his throat feeling as if it was swollen shut, feeling like he couldn't breathe, like the world was spinning and they were _still staring at him_ —

"Haru," It was Rin's voice this time, and he gingerly rested a hand on the dark-haired boy's bicep. "Can you guys give us a moment to talk?" he asked, turning to face the three other boys who were staring at Haru with looks of worry clear on their faces. They slowly nodded, pulling on the rest of their clothes before grabbing their bags and reluctantly leaving the locker room.

Rin gently urged him to sit down and took his bag out of his arms, resting it on the bench beside them. Haru realised that he was trembling as the redhead carefully took his hands, holding them face-up so his wrists -and the angry, red marks running across them- were visible. Rin drew in a breath, and Haru squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears streaming down his cheeks as he fought to remain silent.

"Haru.." Rin repeated, his voice low and cautious, and he absently brushed his thumb over the skin on the smaller boy's wrist. Haru winced; the cuts were only a few days old, and still hurt when they were touched. "Shit, Haru." he muttered, his brow furrowing as he studied the marks. Haru wished that he could tell what Rin was thinking; his face was a mix of emotions, some he couldn't recognise at all. "Why?" he added after a moment of silence, sounding eerily calm.

"I didn't know what else to do," Haru choked out, roughly wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore, Rin. I was panicking, I couldn't think straight, a-and it calmed me down."

Rin slowly wrapped his arms around Haru's torso, drawing him closer as he broke down into quiet, hysterical sobs. They sat like that for a while, the blue-eyed boy crying against Rin's collarbone while he soothingly rubbed his back, all of Haru's pent-up emotions leaving him after keeping them inside for so long.

"I don't know what to do, either," the redhead admitted after a long silence, his voice cracking with emotion as he gently pulled back to look at Haru. "I want to help you so, so badly. I don't want you to be in pain like this. But I'm only one person, I-I just don't know what I'm supposed to do." There were tears building up in Rin's eyes as well, and Haru gingerly wiped away a stray one with his thumb. "M-maybe you really should talk to someone, Haru."

Haru quickly shook his head, wrapping his arms around his torso and staring down into his lap. "I just want to get out of here. Can I go back to your dorm with you?" he asked, and Rin nodded, getting to his feet so he could finish changing back into his day clothes. Haru did the same, tossing his wet jammers into his swim bag and swinging it over his shoulder. Rin rested an open palm on his lower back as they left the change room, steering him in the direction of the residential building. They stopped as they noticed Makoto waiting for them out in the hall, and Haru felt his chest tighten painfully.

"Hey, guys," Makoto addressed them, a small, worried smile painting his face. Without thinking, Haru stepped forward and nearly barreled into his friend, his bag hitting him hard in the side, but he didn't seem to mind. Makoto hugged Haru back, and the dark-haired boy buried his face against the taller boy's shoulder as he tried to keep more tears from springing to his eyes. The brunet knew he needed comfort then without speaking, because he could usually sense Haru well (even if he hadn't known about the depression explicitly, he picked up on the mood swings faster than anyone else).

After a minute, Haru pulled back and ran his sleeve over his eyes, glancing between Makoto and the door leading outside. "I'll go ahead. Be good with Rin, yeah?" he said softly, and Haru nodded, watching the brunet leave the pool facility before turning back to Rin.

"You know, it's kind of creepy how you two never talk," Rin said lightheartedly, taking Haru's hand in his own and giving it a gentle squeeze. "It's like you share a braincell or something."

"Only _one_ braincell?" Haru asked incredulously, the ghost of what could have been a smile under better circumstances flashing across his features. Rin laughed, very softly, and led Haru outside in the direction of the residential buildings.

"Just the one. It transmits telepathic messages between you two, doesn't it?"

"You caught us." Haru replied, sniffling softly and finally returning the squeeze to Rin's hand.

"You'll be okay, Haru," Rin murmured after walking for a moment in silence, and Haru tried to believe him as best as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pierce The Veil fans anyone? Titles from  [Props & Mayhem](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBbr9n9JnZg).  
> The second chapter will be a bit shorter, but there will be resolution so it's all right.  
> PS - the "brain cell" comment was for Madison, who is the Makoto to my Haru.  
> (She'll also never read this b/c she's a loser but whatever ;P).


	2. I Need You Here Right Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kinda like the way you tell me, "Baby, please come home. I need you here right now. I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."

"How long have you been feeling like this?"

It was a reasonable question, Haru thought, but he wasn't quite sure there was a set date when his moods had begun to dip lower and lower and stay that way for weeks at a time. He couldn't give Makoto a specific time when getting up in the morning had become such a task, when the thought of sitting in class through the day made him want to curl up under his blankets and just shut out the world until he could breathe again.

"I don't know..." he answered honestly, then tried to at least give him some sort of estimate. "It's always been a little bit difficult, living alone. And, when Rin left..." he trailed off, averting his eyes and gazing out at the waves lapping lazily at the shoreline.

"You've been this upset since Rin left?" Makoto asked, concern lacing his words as he slid a stone between his fingers. Haru shook his head quickly, tossing his own rock out into the ocean. It skipped twice before sinking below the surface.

"No, not then." he clarified. That had been difficult, but it hadn't been the same feeling. "I can't.. Can't really pinpoint a date. I just remember feeling so... Distant for the longest time."

Makoto's expression softened slightly as he studied Haru's face, and he tossed his own rock out into the waves, looking out distractedly at the water. "Why didn't you tell us?" he asked carefully, his voice wary and quiet. Haru stared down at the ground, chewing his lip as he considered his answer.

"I didn't want you to worry about me." he admitted, staring out pointedly at the ocean, watching the slow waves tear their way across the smooth surface.

"Haru.." Makoto murmured, evidently conflicted over what his best friend was telling him. "We're your friends. We don't want you to feel like you're alone in all this."

Haru nodded slowly, folding his hands in his lap as he watched Makoto continue to throw rocks out into the water. How was he supposed to explain that even when he wasn't alone, even if someone was lying next to him in his bed with their arms wrapped around him, that it didn't always help the empty, abandoned feeling he had in the pit of his stomach? Sometimes it wasn't about being alone, or having others know about the problem. He had told Rin months back, and it hadn't made all of the issues go away. That was merely wishful thinking.

 

* * *

 

Haru let out a shaky breath, rubbing the back of his hand against his eyes as Rin gently held his other in his lap. He tried not to wince as the redhead carefully applied salve to his wrists before adding another bandage; the cuts were only a few hours old and still stung at the contact. "I wish you wouldn't do this," Rin murmured, leaning down to press a soft kiss against the skin below the cuts before straightening and letting Haru's hand go.

Haru knew that he shouldn't hurt himself. It was a harmful form of escapism, but it was escapism nevertheless. "You think I _like_ doing this? I don't know what else I _can_ do." he replied, his voice cracking with emotion. He didn't want to drag Rin into this; _shouldn't_ be dragging him into it. Remaining patient for Haru's sake, Rin pressed his fingers underneath the shorter boy's chin and tilted his head up so their eyes met. Haru felt a few tears spill down his cheeks, but didn't look away.

"You're so much stronger than this, Haru. I know you are. You're _so_ brave. I know that you can overcome this." The determination in Rin's voice gave Haru a feeling that he was trying to convince himself to stay strong, as well, but all Haru could do was nod and promise himself for the nth time that he wouldn't cut again. "C'mere." Rin added softly, drawing Haru into a tight hug and soothingly running a hand down the smaller boy's back. Haru hadn't realised he had been trembling until he felt Rin's steady body against his own.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into the redhead's shirt, feeling fresh tears spring to his eyes. He felt Rin's arms tighten around him, holding him against his chest.

"Haru, don't apologise to me. The only person you have to be sorry to is yourself." Rin whispered, burying his face in Haru's hair.

"You worry," Haru managed, keeping his face buried against the soft fabric of Rin's shirt. He was ashamed to meet his boyfriend's eyes.

"Of course I worry about you." Rin said, his voice low and gentler than usual. "I worry because I can't help you, as much as I wish I could—"

"It's not your job to." Haru interjected, only pulling back enough to be able to look at Rin. "It's not. You do help me, even though you don't have to. I need to try to deal with this on my own." Haru let out a shaky breath and absently ran a hand through his hair, trying to focus on the placating feeling of Rin running a hand up and down his spine.

"You don't need to be alone. You have me, Makoto, Nagisa and Rei." the taller boy softly reminded him, leaning forward to press a tender kiss against his forehead. Haru nodded in agreement; though he knew they would all listen to him if he needed to vent, and would try to support him in adjusting his mental health, they couldn't truly understand the thoughts and feelings that kept him up and night and drove him to lash out at himself.

 

* * *

 

Haru was feeling incredibly uneasy as he boarded the train at the station and took a seat near the back of the car, folding his hands in his lap and letting out a quiet sigh. He'd never thought he'd be doing this. He hadn't told Makoto, Rei or Nagisa, or even Rin; he wanted to do it alone the first time, at least. He would tell them about it when he had finished.

The train ride into town was relatively uneventful, leaving Haru to mull over his thoughts as he rested his head against the cool glass window behind him. He had scheduled the appointment the previous week and had spent a lot of time reflecting on his decision— he had almost called to cancel it at least two or three times, but kept reminding himself that it would be beneficial to him, that it was more likely to help than do harm. He was just nervous, which was understandable; he had a hard enough time speaking about his depression to his friends and boyfriend, let alone a complete stranger, even if they did have a degree in psychology. He knew he wouldn't be judged, that it was a place to reflect and make a plan of action about how he would handle his feelings in the future. The therapist would suggest healthier outlets for his emotions, and he would try to follow them as best as he could. That was what an article online had told him when he had begrudgingly looked up what to expect at a therapy session, anyway.

He looked up as the train announced his stop, reluctantly getting to his feet and exiting the train car. Inhaling deeply, he looked around for the building he was supposed to go to— he dug out the small slip of paper he had shoved into his pocket before leaving, reading the address before heading further down the street. The building that corresponded to the directions he had written down was tall and old-looking, Western-styled and made of worn-out red brick. The inside was homier, somewhat, with a small waiting area that branched off to several offices.

"Hello," a secretary greeted from behind the desk, looking up from where she had been typing at her computer.

"I, um. I have an appointment with Dr. Tsukino," Haru said a little uncertainly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Ah, you must be Nanase-san. Please take a seat, he'll be with you in a moment." she replied, gesturing to the seats arranged in the waiting area. Haru nodded, doing as asked and taking a seat, trying not to let his mind wander as he waited to be shown in. It would be fine. This would help him more than anything else he had done over however many months.

 

By the time Haru had returned home, he was feeling emotionally exhausted. Rin was supposed to stop by later in the evening, and Haru was both happy and nervous about the other boy coming over. He decided to take a bath to pass the time, only getting out when he knew he had to get dressed and put on some tea before his boyfriend arrived.

By the time Rin did get there, he was feeling a little calmer, but his stomach still twisted anxiously at the thought of telling Rin about the events of the day. Rin knocked on the door before letting himself in, wandering into the kitchen where he knew Haru would be, as always. "Hey," he said in greeting, hugging the smaller boy from behind and pressing a kiss against his temple. Haru relaxed in Rin's arms, feeling some of the tension leave him. There was no need to feel uneasy; it was just Rin. Rin had encouraged him to speak with someone a few times before, so he would be happy that Haru had taken his advice seriously.

"Hi." Haru replied, turning so he could properly kiss Rin, who was happy to oblige him. "How was your day?"

"It was pretty good. Training was brutal. Coach is trying to kill us with all the land training, I swear," Rin chuckled lightly as Haru went back to preparing their tea, his arms still wrapped around the smaller man's waist. "How was yours?"

Haru's hand froze where it hovered over the bamboo whisk, and he bit his lip before picking it up and beginning to mix their matcha. "I went into town," he said vaguely, tracing the whisk through the green liquid before moving to add the boiling water.

"Yeah? To do what?" Rin asked curiously, tightening his arms around Haru's middle and pressing a light kiss against the side of his neck. Haru closed his eyes for a moment, savouring the comforting feeling of Rin's warmth before pouring the tea into two cups.

"I went to see a therapist." Haru told him before he could lose his nerve, quickly pressing a teacup into Rin's hands before heading into the living room with his own.

"Y-you.. Haru!" Rin said, quickly following after the blue-eyed boy and finding him sitting cross-legged in front of the table, staring down into his cup. "You.. You went to talk to someone?"

Haru nodded slowly, lifting his teacup to his lips to take a drink. Rin seemed so... Surprised by the admission. To be fair, Haru had adamantly refused to see a therapist or counsellor, but... He had changed his mind, after all that time. Rin set his cup on the table and knelt down next to Haru, hand outstretched as if he meant to touch him, but he decided against it and let it drop into his lap. The silence hung in the air, suffocating and thick, and Haru swallowed and shut his eyes. His hands were trembling ever so slightly.

His eyes fluttered open as he felt Rin's arms encircling him again, drawing him into a loose embrace. "I'm so proud of you, Haru," Rin said, his voice soft with emotion. "So fucking proud. I know you didn't want to reach out for help before, but.. I'm glad you did."

"Don't cry on me, now," Haru teased lightly, pulling back just enough to properly look at Rin's face.

"I wasn't going to, you jerk." Rin retorted, but without much bite. They looked at each other quietly for a moment, relief and contemplation palpable between them. Haru knew that this didn't make everything okay, not by a long shot, but he'd be damned if it wasn't a good start.

"You said it would be helpful before, so I figured I could try." Haru spoke up, gently taking one of Rin's hands in his and lacing their fingers together.

Rin glanced down at their hands, biting his lip before looking back at Haru. He looked comforted over the news and Haru knew why, knew that it had been hard on him as well and that things were slowly starting to look up. However long it would take, things would begin to improve.

Rin leaned forward, pressing their lips together in a chaste kiss, but Haru placed his free hand on the back of Rin's neck to draw him closer, deepening the kiss. Their lips moved together greedily, each drinking the other in, neither holding back and both coming together like crashing waves during a storm.

Haru knew well, however, that there was always a storm before the calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.  
> Writing this was primarily self-indulgent, but I'm glad that I received a lot of positive feedback on it as well :)  
> Thank you to everyone who read it. All the kudos and comments mean the world to me.  
> Check out my other RinHaru works if you're up to it, and thanks again for sticking around for the conclusion!


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